ran out of holes to dig

switching off my handphone during the night so that i can have an uninterrupted sleep for the night (& morning) during a off day.

burying my face deep into my husband's chest to block out my folk's quarrelling from my left ear while flooding my right ear with random dialogues from the TV.

all these... are merely means and ways i developed to live like an ostrich.
to bury my head deep into the sands to escape even though nothing really gets solved.

i just need to... run away.

it started off as a rather distressful situation to be stucked in.

now...i know... it's becoming a mental condition.
i need to save myself from it but i don't know how.

i know it's becoming worse because i can literally jump out of bed once my phone rings even though i'm sound asleep...

i know it's becoming worse because my back feels cold and my fingers goes numb whenever someone calls me to tell me there's an issue or i hear my folks quarrelling.

i sit in a trance and break out in cold sweat.

i freeze.

my heart sinks.

it's been more than a year now. i thought i've developed enough coping mechanism but i'm wrong.
now i know how it's so hard to get rid of and so easily re-triggered.

all these while i have my husband around to keep me sane.
if my husband is not around... will i... do something drastic some day just to escape?
i don't know.

pray that day does not come.